Recognising the Link Between Our Resentment and Our Passive Aggression

You ever catch yourself washing the dishes angrily? You know what I mean—really scrubbing that plate like it’s done you wrong? Or maybe you’re tidying up someone else’s mess with this deep sense of righteousness, thinking, “Oh, I’ll just clean up… again. No big deal. I don’t mind. It’s fine. I’ll just be over here, being the unsung hero.” Classic passive aggression.

Let’s talk about that for a minute—passive aggression. You might think of it as a way to “keep the peace,” but really, it’s just a stealthier way to throw shade. It’s like you’re angry, but instead of letting it out directly, you release it into the world through sarcasm, the occasional eye roll, and possibly, the aggressive handling of dishware.

And where does this subtle rage usually come from? Resentment. Oh yes, the not-so-subtle sidekick of passive aggression. Resentment usually hangs out behind the scenes, growing quietly while you’re busy bottling up all those feelings. It’s like passive aggression’s best friend but also the worst kind of friend. You know the one who never lets anything go? The one who’s like, “Remember that one time, two years ago, when Karen forgot to say thank you after you went out of your way to grab her a coffee?” Yeah. That one.

Resentment is that lingering irritation when you feel like someone isn’t valuing you or pulling their weight, but instead of saying anything, you just push it down. You suppress. You stuff. And like any good passive aggressive individual, you think you’re doing everyone a favour by not making a scene. Spoiler alert: You’re not. In fact, those feelings don’t just disappear into some magical abyss; they seep out—sideways. They come out in your tone, your actions, even in the way you sigh deeply when someone asks if everything’s okay. (And by the way, when you say “I’m fine,” with that tone, no one believes you. Not even your dog.)

So why does this happen? Well, for one, addressing issues head-on is scary! You don’t want to be seen as the bad guy, and confrontation is a lot like voluntarily entering a very awkward, very tense game of emotional dodgeball. The problem is, while you’re busy avoiding the tension, you’re actually just creating more of it. It’s like you’re hoarding all these little annoyances, and eventually, they’re going to spill out. Probably in a passive-aggressive comment at a dinner party when someone asks if you’d like some more salad. “Oh sure, because I clearly haven’t eaten enough salad tonight.”

It’s a vicious cycle: You don’t say what’s really bothering you, it festers, and instead of it being a manageable little issue, it snowballs into something much bigger. It’s not even about the salad anymore, is it? No. Now it’s about all the times you’ve been underappreciated, all the things you’ve done that have gone unnoticed, and possibly even a few grievances from the twentieth century that somehow never got addressed.

But hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. We’ve all been there. (Some of us still live there, setting up camp in Passive Aggression Town.) The thing is, once you recognise that passive aggression and resentment are besties in the worst way, you’ve got a chance to do something about it. Maybe—just maybe—next time you feel that irritation brewing, instead of pulling out the passive-aggressive playbook, you actually express how you feel. Scary, right? But also kind of freeing.

Start small. Instead of saying, “Oh, I’ll just take the trash out since no one else seems to notice it overflowing,” try something like, “Hey, can we figure out a better system for sharing the chores? It’s getting a bit frustrating doing them all myself.” See? No one’s feelings got hurt, no silent seething in the corner, just a bit of honesty out in the open.

And who knows? Maybe it’ll help deflate some of that pent-up resentment. Or, at the very least, stop you from taking it out on the poor dishes next time.